Autism Autism Spectrum Behaviour Difficulties Emotions Meltdowns Sensory Related

Meltdown of Frustration

Well, it’s happened. The meltdown (at least the first of them) that I figure I’ve been moving towards since December at the latest has finally expressed itself. And I’m pretty sure that at the moment, I am non-verbal – or maybe even soundless.

And every time I think the tears have stopped, they just start up again.

I don’t know exactly how other people meltdown, but for me (as I’ve mentioned in a few previous posts, and a number of comments), I have crying jags, usually prompted by frustration or some kind of emotional pain that I can’t express. (Which leads to frustration, which leads to meltdowns… you get the idea.)

Because I was paying attention to myself and my reactions, I noticed during this meltdown that my mouth keeps opening as though to scream, but I can’t get any sounds out, except the gasps of breathing. It feels like half of me wants to scream, and the other half is saying, “No, you have to Keep Quiet!” Or wordless thoughts to that effect.

And, at the same time (as usual), part of my mind is standing away from all this, analysing things, working out what I’m going to say in this post, trying to figure out how things could have gone better, if things could have gone better….

Punching my thigh with my fist seems to help, as long as I raise my heel off the ground so I’m not shaking the floor. Rocking helps a bit.

[Edit: Personal stuff removed]

And even getting all this out in writing… the tears and the silent screams won’t stop.

[Edit: Took half an hour or so to stop. Not pleasant. But that’s what a meltdown is for me (though I’ve never tried the punching my thigh thing before; that was new based on the frustration I was feeling).]

😐 tagAught

By tagÂûght

I’m in my mid-thirties. I’ve lived in Canada all my life (Toronto and St. John’s), but I’ve travelled to Florida, Massachusetts, England, Wales, Ireland, Scotland, and Costa Rica. I love airplane travel (as long as there are no noisy kids around me!). I’m proud to be Canadian (though Harper might end up changing that!).

I have ASD, aka Autism Spectrum Disorder. Strictly speaking, I’ve been diagnosed as having Aspergers, but (for Canada and the US, at least) that diagnosis is going to be melded with ASD as of May, with the publication of DSM V. Having ASD, and the job I do at the moment (see First Post), is why reading the blogs I mentioned above inspired me to start one of my own about my life in general.

Back in October, I got my driver’s license (as opposed to driving permit for learners) – after twenty years of effort and trying. A lot of thanks is due to my instructor, who has dealt with people with ASD before, and so knew how to teach me for the test (I was able to drive before, just not pass the test, due to anxiety and problems with multi-tasking).

I’m a fanatic writer of SF and Fantasy, both fanfiction and original, and I devour books as well.

I love animals, in particular cats, and I have a fascination with wolves, wild cats (including the big cats), orcas, and the physiology of cephalopods.

I love the wilderness – though I don’t really have the endurance (at the moment, at least) to go hiking or camping out.

And, rather importantly, I’m not someone who thinks about political correctness when it comes to vocabulary. I use what seems right when it seems right. That will include calling myself a person with ASD, or an Autistic, or an Aspie. I’m me; I can call myself what I want.

So, enough about me. Go read my posts – they’re more informative!

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.