Well, it’s happened. The meltdown (at least the first of them) that I figure I’ve been moving towards since December at the latest has finally expressed itself. And I’m pretty sure that at the moment, I am non-verbal – or maybe even soundless.

And every time I think the tears have stopped, they just start up again.

I don’t know exactly how other people meltdown, but for me (as I’ve mentioned in a few previous posts, and a number of comments), I have crying jags, usually prompted by frustration or some kind of emotional pain that I can’t express. (Which leads to frustration, which leads to meltdowns… you get the idea.)

Because I was paying attention to myself and my reactions, I noticed during this meltdown that my mouth keeps opening as though to scream, but I can’t get any sounds out, except the gasps of breathing. It feels like half of me wants to scream, and the other half is saying, “No, you have to Keep Quiet!” Or wordless thoughts to that effect.

And, at the same time (as usual), part of my mind is standing away from all this, analysing things, working out what I’m going to say in this post, trying to figure out how things could have gone better, if things could have gone better….

Punching my thigh with my fist seems to help, as long as I raise my heel off the ground so I’m not shaking the floor. Rocking helps a bit.

[Edit: Personal stuff removed]

And even getting all this out in writing… the tears and the silent screams won’t stop.

[Edit: Took half an hour or so to stop. Not pleasant. But that’s what a meltdown is for me (though I’ve never tried the punching my thigh thing before; that was new based on the frustration I was feeling).]

😐 tagAught